One Day (Letter or a Poem)

One day, I should have known
I'd have to learn how to live without you
That one day, I'd walk into a room and imagine you there, even if I know you never will be again
I should have known I'd be calling out your name and realize that no one would respond
Almost as if you didn't exist
Yet there are picture, scents and things you've left behind
Things that couldn't be carried into the after life...
You lived long and without regret
Every place you stepped foot in, you owned
I knew from our initial encounter that forever, would you be remembered

But I should have known that even if it seems like it could...
That nothing lasts forever

Your house is gone now
They tore it down
What's left is an empty lot
Even your garden died
The line where you hung your clothes to dry still stands though
When I've passed by, every now and again, if I stare long enough I can remember summers of you out there
Picking vegetables, turning over the ground...
Your pale green eyes, your cool gray curls...
I remember you well
I called you by one name but you know who you really were

One day, I should have known
I would stop baking in your kitchen
Smelling the fragrance of freshly baked pastries
Learning how to cook true soul food
Hearing the buzzing of the fan, when you felt the need to turn off the air

One day, I should have known
That I wouldn't be able to stand the taste of toffee
Or overhear a game show playing on the television
I can still hear the the sound of your hard wood floors as you walked them
I remember when you made me fall in love with pecans glazed with cinnamon and sugar
I could never stand the newspaper or how it felt on my fingers
Or the ink stains that it always left behind
But I loved that you read it

One day, I should have known
That saying goodbye, never crossed my mind
When it happened
I turned cold, in disbelief
I'd just seen you
I refused to visit the hospital
I knew you'd come to
No autopsy done, they blamed old age
We, all knew the truth but I should've known only blood relatives could make the rules
Before I knew it
You were gone
So was Spunk
And so was He...

I saw your house decay
In my mind
As I heard stories of greedy family members ripping apart your valuables
I remembered things WE were promised
And how we never got to see those them

One day, I should have known
That things would change
The way things have transformed are surreal
Tears become laughter as I remember what was...
I just wish my heart was better prepared
My life was more my own, before you left...

I hope that you know, that you will never be forgotten and are missed. We loved you.

Just a poem for those that have gone...

Exposed (work in progress)

As easy as lips can
Eyes can lie
I've heard it all
Seen it all
The world is more tortured and damaged than presumed
If everyone must wear a mask to hide their wounds
Putting on masquerades is easier than living in the time
And they wonder why people are lost...
Busy cradling bodies at night
Hoping no one can see the secrets that are hiding beneath veils like warts or bad acne
Covered by concealer
Hidden hurts, truths and loves
Just for one day
To be exposed...

To Be Continued.

11 • 7

On the edge again
Feeling more overwhelmed than usual
What I knew to be true
Has no truth anymore
Words have lost value
And my beliefs are now being tested
Why is the truth so hard to receive?
Words on top of words on top of words mean nothing
If even one's heart is hiding from emotion
Fears play & toy with the psyche
Inviting in insecurities & resentment
To think, longevity must come with ease, must be some twisted lie we once believed
To last, to put real effort forth, comes with a price to be paid
Sacrifices for a life with a future
Now that this is known...
The question is, where is my home?
Safe place
Where am I? Where should I reside?
Where's my truth?
The truth in which I'm being loved for every flaw just as much as every perfection I own
Where's my home?
The one I call my own, knowing that even when I part from it, it's mine.

Intimacy

What is this?
Reluctance to touch?
Why must there be fear
To be intimate
Without always being "intimate"
The desire to embrace with a hold
Or join hands
Comes now, with an expectation
What happened to
The mere appreciation of closeness
Can this not exist?
Can a touch, not insinuate a desire
But can that touch just mean
"I want you close, don't let go"
In silence
Many times, when I reach for you
I just want you close
Not what you can offer
But the closeness of you
The nearness of your presence
I love you here...
I love you...
Come close, I want you beside me
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The Artist

((An incomplete mental process))

I check your lyrics
And even listen to your songs
Making sure I'm last on your mind
When your pen meets pad
I know how your mind works
Just one opportune moment
And I'm all yours
Swallowed in your colorful metaphors
Dangling in your presence, like a reward for you to receive

I'm waiting for that one track
The one you regurgitate for me
Throw away the pride
And lett your tongue seduce my mind with your rhyme
Attempting to pull on my heart strings
Toy with fiction & truth
Until the lines are blurred

I'm waiting on you to play me
Like I've played you
Turned you upside down in poetry
Dusted over your name
Rewrote your story for you to remain unknown
Even between these lines your vanity won't find the truth

Being that you're an artist
It doesn't matter what I describe you to be
The manipulator of abstract things
To create something tangible or usable is still your gift

Even as I write
I picture you
Slidding your tongue across your teeth
Fixing your teeth to ask
"Is this one about me?"
But you won't
Because you know

I'm just waiting on you...
That one track
In which you
Open your mouth
And let your tongue fondle my name
Create space for music to seep in
That song will be on infinite replay...

Love Isn't Enough

Even as I said it
I sensed my body shift
My belief system altered
For a brief moment
An outer body experience
The words lingered
As if spoken in slow motion
That statement
So surreal & yet was my reality
I never thought I'd say it
"Love, love just isn't enough"

And after I said it
My heart dropped to my feet
I saw myself outside of myself
Asking myself "who are you, right now?"
My love for love was let down
That one statement stopped my mind for a moment

Has it become that complex?
Has the impact of love ceased to amaze me?
Love isn't enough to do the unthinkable?
Love isn't enough...for what?

I'd succumb to the pressures of change
The idea that love is & can be controlled
The idea that any moment it can be removed
Knowing that if I love, it's unconditional
My love exists, even long after my lover has abandoned me & it

So for that moment
I had a moment
My heart was broken, in between those words
A public cry out for help
Until I, within a blink of an eye
Ran for cover & closed the door

I lost my faith in love...for just one moment.

Better Forgotten, Than Held Onto

Better forgotten than held onto
That's how I feel
That's how they've coped
Discarding me like old shoes
Removing my name from playlists
Altering poems and a few edits "let's change this"
The I miss you's change to I wish you's
And they end on the note of
Me never being what they intended or expected
The expectancy of me was just a placeholder for the life altering love
That experience that changes their lives & leaves them blown forever

And I'm just downgraded to
The in between
That glimmer of hope to get one by
That need to be reminded of what it could feel like to be loved
But without true devotion

Better forgotten than held onto
Burned away like old poems you want to forget
Ripped into pieces like 4 page letters you can't read without fighting tears
That one thing, person, at least
That you don't want to remember
But hard to forget

Every now and again
You scroll upon that picture
Or that incessant song
That makes you think of me
And you want to erase the memories
Almost to pretend as if I didn't exist
Because I was just your "in between"
That temporary fix
That person that suits the idea of "this will do, until I find you..."

"I'm in love and always will be" (unfinished)

I won't say that this is a poem, but a message. I can't sleep and this has been swirling around in my head. It's like a conversation that has never been spoken or partaken of by me. Tell me, what is this?:


I believe in love
I believe in like
I believe in butterflies
I'm conflicted inside because these are the things I believe is real
I've chosen to change my life
But others...
Others have lives of their own
How do you save someone from themselves if they are happy, in love, healthy & successful?
How do you save someone who, by definition, doesn't need to be saved?
Exactly why are there so many guidelines to obtaining happiness?
People can't BE, because others are watching, judging and plotting against...
People can't just BE, because they feel condemned...
I don't know how to not be happy for others
I don't know how to be happy for those who have found what completes them and they aren't just content but happy
Who am I to steal their joy?
I believe in love
I believe in like
I believe in butterflies
I don't know anyone anymore who tears up at that pivotal scene in the movie
That scene in which the ending is clear, after the turmoil, happiness lives freely
I feel like I'm the last one
The last person that believes
That far beyond the rules and mandates
That love itself, is true
You'll know it when it arrives & never ceases to part
I believe in love
I believe in like
I believe in butterflies
I hope to see the day when our blinders are removed
We can all love one another, not for what we are trying to be
But for who and what we are...

Miss

Missing the power of the pen...
Gracing pages of thoughts within...
No longer chasing lost hopes and faded dreams...
Finally looking forward to tomorrow in today's rearview mirror...
Letting it all fade away...
Misery, pain, confusion and the infinitive of destruction within...just to feel to
entirety what you may offer
be it a pleasurable few hours or a collection of good conversations
that linger even after their finished...
Slowly navigating through the wounds that left me hollow and sealing them shut
No longer waiting for apologies that will never come
Nor the audacious apoligies that I have yet to speak
There is no better time but now
I'm freeing myself of all of it...

Taking this journey to see whats on the other side...
Even if this journey leads to no where
The efforts of achieving wholeness will not be lost in vain...
Because I'll always have me and my pen...
And the desire to live another day...
Missing the power of words unspoken...
Stories told by eye contact manipulating iris's
While hearts unfold
Unvieling mysteries of the unknown...

Disconnected

Closing up again
Stepping away from the world surrounding me
Steering with no guidance
Self is all I have
Getting lost on purpose just
To find myself
To find my way out
I’ve been in need of some cleansing
Therapy
That I can supply myself
Full recovery
Damaged by my calamities…
Cleansing will set me free
Ears closed
Lips sealed
To open my eyes to what my heart seeks
Desires, passions, and loves surface
In this in depth rediscovery
Freeing my mind in privacy
Bleeding tears in demand of clarity
Feet planted on the floor
To keep my balance
Inhale and exhale out screams…
Releasing negative energy…

Earth Sign

Dressed in your finest
One night only, is all we had
I had one night to make it right
You walked calmly to my room
Knowing it would just be me and you
In the darkness we spoke
We played with the idea of anticipations but all I wanted was a kiss
Your scent kept me afloat
And as I glared out of the window at the city lights, thought about you staying the night
I figured we'd fall asleep talking about any thoughts that came to mind
You hinted that you wanted more
So I replied with words
I asked, like a lady, for a kiss
Then we kissed
For a moment I thought I had you
I thought you were mine
It was so electric that all I could do was smile once it was over

Still

I've lost time gazing at you
In your direction to be precise
Rearranging time and dates
As I look at you
Wondering who and how we will be
Years from now
Grown passed these things that have kept us bound
I stare at you wondering where your head is
Some days we are estranged, other days we are conjoined twins
I know of no time when I haven't thought of you

It's when I stop for a second to exhale & inhale again
That I realize I'm not looking in your direction at all
Its the portrait across the room
I'd been admiring all this time
Staring at this photograph
I'm glad you're still around, even if I can't see you
You're still here, like you've always been

Private Addiction

Private addiction
Silently we speak
Intoxicating one another with mental stimulation...
Continuously challenging ourselves for better understanding...
Connected we are through familiar and shared obsessions...
Speech alone alters moods and changes positions...
Words highlight the depths of our excitement...
One line of your cognitive thinking is mind blowing...
Sending pulsating streams of blood to the source of my being...
Intellect is the highest form of sexual tease in this infinite foreplay we've simulated to please our desire to be quenched by intercourse without measure...
This ongoing pressure...
Forwards...
Backwards...
And in between...
I hope the cycle is never broken...
And progresses as we grow...
Learning more about ourselves in and throughout this equation...
Unhindered and Unrehearsed...
Continuously I'm thanking you in appreciation for your presence...

...

Sometimes I don't know what you are to me
Other times I don't know who you are
Regardless...
The mystery entices...
I must say, I like it that you are complex, rough around the edges, but sweet to the core...
The heart of the matter is...
I do like it when you call...
You're that addiction that I can't get enough of...
Human ritalin
Sedating my mind...
Allowing me to always unwind...
and uncloud my vision...
I don't even mind laughing with you about things that make no sense at all...
I guess I like being pistoled with sometimes
Knowing I don't have to sign a dotted line
To have a piece...
Sometimes I hate that you're my release...
Can't always get enough to get me "up"
Feel me?
I know you do...
I always have a spot for you
in the depths of my heart
and it overcomes me sometimes...
Music even seems hard to listen to...
But thats what you do...
They say you can't choose...
Even if I could, I'd probably still choose you...
It's been painful and pleasurable just knowing the depths of you...

I Bought Something For You

Bought something for you
Bought something that would help you and I better understand you
Bought something that could help you think your thoughts through thoroughly before you present them to me
In hopes of eliminating a contradicting remedy to blur the lines between lies and truths
Bought something for you so that you can pencil in the times of convenience when you can love me for me because I know you have a habit of forgetting
I was thinking that maybe if it were written down...both you and I could remember...and never forget
Bought something for you so that you can find comfort in knowing that I care about you even when you fail to care about me
Yes...unconditional...some might call it...

Bought something for you
Bought something for you that would help both you and I better understand you
Bought something for you that can make up for the things that you say that I lack...
Yeah... I thought you'd appreciate that...
Bought something for you that protects you from the pain you inflict on yourself for when my voice is muted and my aid is effortless
(Work In Progress)

Communication

The less I speak
The more you listen
Body rhythms are now taken into consideration
The question of moods are no longer up for debate
I've become a book for you to unfold
Turn pages...take notes
The connection of eyes allows you to see inside and translate what
the language inscribed into my heart...

This is called communication...so I've been told.

Trigger

Just a few thoughts shooting out from my mental trigger, will you bite this bullet?
Or will I have to shoot you down with my tongue...
And seep into your blood slowly....
Forcing myself in to expose you...
Release my fluids to make you overflow and spill onto the pavement...

Just a few thoughts shooting out from my mental trigger, will you bite this bullet?
I want to transpose you
Show you the other side of yourself

...Touch

You don't have to touch me
For me to feel you
You just need to be present
When I see you
Acknowledge my presence
Am I at all worthy of your attention?
Is the desire to share & connect a distant memory or a conversation we never had?
We never knew what to expect
Nothing was premeditated
But you're here, we're here
This is us
Where do we go from here?
That's the question
My love for you
Has not changed
Nor has my heart
Is it you? Is it you covering up how you feel to protect yourself from what might happen and from the what if?
Why can't it just be "why not?"
Why can't it be "it will be...", "this is what we desire..."
We're connected but your we's become I's so easily
And I wonder when you turned into this being so negative
You may see that in me
When I have my moments of defeat
I share, reflect & regroup from within

My Deepest Regret

My deepest regret
Is not loving you
the way you loved me
In a time, in which I had ALL of you
You were mine

Once you looked at me with hopes of forever
Promises of the "I would never..."
And I ran from its impact

It was so strong that I knew not how to respond
My heart ached when I was without you
I was on cloud nine when I saw you and no one could pull me down
I knew no world outside of loving you
I shared my dreams, passions & fears

Silent Cries (Home)

Lingered sadness traced our walls
We had to escape the silence when cries haunted
Blasted music to drown out our own echoed voices
We tried to make a home, our home without coexisting properly
We both died a little daily in our private cries and moments of silence
Reaching out for help from others and not one another
Without speaking a word
We broke the bonds of communication
Made selfish decisions
And found ourselves more disconnected from our love than ever before...
Our hearts kept beating for one another but lost connection when we decided to lean on others

Lingered sadness traced our walls
We had to escape the silence when cries haunted
Blasted music to drown out our own echoed voices
And I can still see our tears stained on the walls
We walked away from our home more broken than when we moved in...
Now that we own no home, we are finding our souls again
The connection from way back when is seeping in through the cracks
We are opening our mouths before running for cover
Standing up for our beliefs before folding...
We're walking together instead of one leading another...
We are finding that our home could never have been complete without us within it
We were there but only breathing...
We'd died once we got inside
Pale white walls and an orange sofa that represented neither of us...
We didn't create our home together
So home it could have never been...

We know now
What we didn't know before
Our home starts within us
Our will to forgive, change, support & practice selflessness
We know now that without using the voices within us that once made us so strong, we can easily fall apart


Lingered sadness traced our walls
We had to escape the silence when cries haunted
Blasted music to drown out our own echoed voices
Now that we are free from our own demise and stepping out into the changes we feared most
We know now, for us to have a home, it starts with US...

You Said (Not Quite A Poem, But a Broken Letter)

You said you lost your love
When are you going to go find her?
She wouldn't like you out here alone
Unprotected & seemingly broken hearted
I see your truth & I know it hurts that I can
I see that she is who you truly desire
When will you tell her?
Why are you so afraid of her...
She's standing right infront of you, inside of me...
Why must you fear me?
Give in...
It may be a risk
But what is it worth if there wasn't one?
You don't have to be safe...
Throw out your rules & all of the stories you've heard told
This is real
Welcome to our reality

Untitled

I lay awake
While you dream
Playing with thoughts
Fondling fantasies with the stroke of my fingers in my hair
Seeing you with your imaginary crown
And giving you all that my royal equal deserves...
Your heart never going unnoticed
And issues reaching resolutions before they even have a chance to be birthed
Toying with the idea of peace within us both
These trying times have made us cold

To some of those of the world...
Our hearts are broken
The gray area has no existence & we bounce between black & white to find our balance
In my imagination
We are whole again
At this very moment
We are home again, our souls restored & our faith renewed

Then You Lost Your Love...

Hair full
Body blessed
Milky skin
Melodious voice
You're my weakness
I dare not speak of this
Admit it to you
For what reason?
As long as I look lovingly back at you
My devotion should be seen in my glare
You can't see it in me?
Is that what you said?
You can't feel my love, is that what you cried?
Deep sigh
I go back into my mind as you speak
Retrace my words like steps
See where I went wrong
What I could have change
So many mistakes
Many I can name, that haven't been mentioned
I shame myself, am ashamed of myself
But why? Why do I run from you, my only truth?
The love I prayed for, longed for, that stayed dancing in my mind
Every time I thought of you in your absence
It was an obsession, wondering how your days went and if you were okay
Knowing inside that we'd cross paths fully, again
Not knowing what would accompany our visitation but I knew it would be long & that we'd reconnect like we were
The only difference I'd foreseen was the offering of longevity
I made the mistake of sharing my desires too soon
They weighed heavier than my actions & caused you to mentally & emotionally retreat
I lost my love...
Then I hear Badu in my background...
"then you lost your love... It's too late... I'm sorry, I love you..."
It resounds "it's too late"

Closer

In the dimmest of rooms
All it takes is a little bit of light
To shine through
And you glow...
Your eyes...
Even when swollen with pain
You evoke beauty from within
One soft caress of your hair
And deep sigh...
And the love you have for me seeps out...
I see it all over you and I get lost in you
Falling deeper every time we pull one another closer

Awaken

I can’t wait to wake up
To hear from you
Your voice sets my soul on fire
I’m turned on by  just your salutations
You court me elegantly…
I don’t have to question your whereabouts
You inform me
I don’t need a drug to be buzzed by the essence that is you
Your aggressiveness is a flame I can’t fathom living without
You inspire me to be stronger than I am
I’m moved by the passion in your voice
The way you say “baby…”
Everything in your voice sounds like love…
I can write when I’m with you, you gave me back my voice
I’m not sure where I lost her but she’s back, here to stay…
Your lack of asking me for anything but love makes me want to give you the entire world…
Your desires are mine for you…
I can live in the sea of our words & I delight in every question we hold
Not a moment passes
When I don’t smile at the thought of it being you on the other end 
You’re a story
I want to continue to tell
Continue to write as years pass
I love you
I’m fortunate to be blessed with something so pure

The Kill

I should have stopped when I felt myself losing my mind
I just couldn’t let go
You were the poison I clung to
I don’t blame you…
I blame myself & you were my lowest low
I had to save myself
I was drowning in my own tears
Tried to make sense of your fickle ways
Nothing was ever consistent
Every move was questionable
Even the look in your eyes sent me wondering…
Where could your heart be?
I clung to you telling myself
I was saving you
You were taking me lower
Everyone could see it but me
I kept fighting to survive
I wanted more for us
I labored for our love
Our love was supposed to set us free
Keep us afloat
You took all that you could take
And I couldn’t help but keep giving
I knew no other default
You were mine, that’s all I knew…
I thought I was saving you…while you were killing me

Drugs & Your Habit

The drugfree & the druggie
Match made in heaven
Or
A match made when the devil birthed destruction
We have a 50/50 chance of rising to the top
Which path can/will we choose
Will I sink with you?
Or will you thread water to the top and save yourself?
You can’t see past trivial matters
And rarely see the bigger picture
Is it drugs that keep you there
Are your excuses keeping you from seeing it all?

Watching Me, I Felt It

My bedroom is tainted, with the stench of you
No matter how many times I clean it or how long I leave my window open…
I can smell you
Imprinted in my room like a parasite
All over my walls, watching me…

[Untilted - Something from 2010]

I can’t think with you in my thoughts
Actively guiding my pen to rid self from an obsession
This is only an intricately laced interest and yet it feels close to “like”
Like “like-like”, what we as kids used to say when we’d grown an affection for one another that hadn’t yet reached love
Too soon to anticipate a future
And yet ahead of myself my mind is reaching and etching you in to the saga that we will live with one another
Yes… I’ve grown quite an affection

Polaroids & Prints

I used to tell you that your eyes were beautiful
It was never about the color or hue
Or the way it is offset by the sun
But it’s texture
They say more about you than your mouth or pen to pad would ever reveal
They communicate secrets every-time you blink, stare and look down
I know you never understood
Never imagined what I could have meant
And yet still even in your photographs
Your eyes are a wonder

My Hero

Sunrise in my sight
I realize that this is what loving you feels like
You came just in time…
I said I wanted to be your hero but you are mine.
You rescued me…
Although I’m still damaged
I thank you for having patience with me
I love all of you...

Misery? [Something Fairly Old]

Misery loves company
I was yours for the taking
Drink me up…
Come and get more
You know I would never tell you to stop unless I’d had too much
I fell for the addict, the junkie in disguise of an actor
You had many faces
When you weren’t careful
You let me see them all
You were careless with your excuses
The consistent absentee of questioning
The hot topic of the scene
I lied for you
I covered your tracks every-time I smelled someone coming for you
How did you pay me back?
You sucked me dry because misery loves company…
You took all of me… So that I’d call on you

Everything Matters...

Up late listening to you sleep
Connecting all the dots we can through the distance
Kissing computer screens & digitally romancing one another with our keyboards
The familiarity with one another makes us stronger
The love intensifies & is daily measured… Higher and higher is the bar raised
No one compares to you

1/19/12

Thinking in depth about how your body must feel…
How high your moans will send me floating…
Imagining your skin all over mine…
Me breathing you in and you losing control…
Your chest on mine and how great it will feel to have your nails clawing into my back as I taste every inch of you…
Swim in your sea & make you rise with me…
I can’t wait for the day when we unite harmoniously at the ultimate level…
I can not wait, but I will wait.
You are worth every ounce of my being that is patient and understanding.
For you… Waiting… Is my pleasure.

Forever (A few words...)

I see forever in your eyes 
And I dance
At the likes, that just maybe…
You see hope in mine, within me

I'm Here

Even your faintest cry, I can hear
Its hard to see my lover in tears
Almost seemingly inaccessible
Although you’re next to me…
I can feel your heart beat
But…
Emotionally you are so broken
That you’re disconnected
Attempting to be present but you’re vacant…
Regardless of where you go mentally…
I am HERE, emotionally
I’ll be your rock when nothing else can hold you up…
Remind you of your worth
And help you to believe again, in whatever everything that is attempting at breaking you…
I’m here

Near

I feel you calling me back in
And all I want is to be near you
Your laughter sets my soul on fire
And your touch gives me chills

Musings

I read old poems about you
And yet I wonder what I saw in you
The lies that clouded your eyes?
Or was it that your poetry made you appealing?
Words can alter one’s view of another
Maybe that was what I felt for you…
The way your words could travel across paper
And leave its imprints on my heart
But after your poetry was inflamed…
The love I had for you faded just as quickly as it came
Then I think again…
Maybe it wasn’t love I had for you but an infatuation
A common situation that happens artists and their muses…
You inspired work… but it wasn’t you that it was written for
You were just a model, standing in for real love…
Until, she walked into my life

[Quite possibly not a poem at all but just a few ideas thrown around. I’m not sure but it was something on my mind, so I decided to get it out. Maybe I’ll work it into a proper poem, something that is memorable]

Is It True?

Is it true what they say?
You can only truly fall in love once?
Is it true that I’ve only seen love once?
What I’ve known of and for you…
Can not be compared to anything else I’ve felt
Does that make you the one?
I can’t see my life without you, although I have…
I know not that path anymore…
Is that when one realizes that everyone else they’ve encountered they were never in love with?
The more I see you, feel you, taste you, wrap myself up in you…
I lose sight of what once was…
What I once felt for all of the others and how I ever felt anything for them?
Is it true that there is only one love of your life?
If so… I’ve found all of that in you
I’m never letting go

...

There’s a piece of me that longs to know what you see when you look at me
Not the outer appearance solely
But what I make you think when I glance back at you
There’s a longing desire to know what this beauty is that you say you see
Is it something I do, say or react to?
Is it the way that I smile back at you or kiss you?
I wonder if its really something that you see or something that you feel
Is the beauty that you see something that is intangible that I can never
lose because its wrapped within love?
I dare not ask you
In all honesty… I don’t believe you’d have a definitive answer
Instead in your own way… I know you’d find a way, but would it be true?
Can a few words truly express how you feel and what you see?
Is it that simple?
What I feel for you I could never summarize
No paragraph harvests that much depth to properly define all that is you…
I just wonder what you see when you look at me…

Wonder

I wonder how it will be
Years from now
When we have to part for longer than a few hours
To pursue our careers while supporting one another
How it will be to go a few days without waking up to you
When I’ve grown comfortable to the idea of waking up to you
Daily you are my reason to roll over…
To see whats on the other side…
I wonder how missing you will play its role
When I already miss you after an hour of us being away from one another

From January

Up late listening to you sleep
Connecting all the dots we can through the distance
Kissing computer screens & digitally romancing one another with our keyboards
The familiarity with one another makes us stronger
The love intensifies & is daily measured… Higher and higher is the bar raised
No one compares to you

From December

They say you can’t miss what you’ve never had
And yet I can’t sleep without you
Yet we’ve never slept in bed together
I think of you constantly…
I lay on the opposite side of the bed waiting for you to come home…
Yet we’ve never lived together
I’m in the midst of missing you to an extent I’ve never felt
Even with the faux romances
I never wanted them around like I want you
I never needed to hear their voices for comfort
The way I need you
Many women sing about wanting to be wanted and needing to be needed but wanting to be needed

…And baby… I want you
…I need you.

Bleeding Youth (To Be Continued...)

I cut to erase what you see
With every slash I remove myself from me
Invisible to myself I paint a mask to cover what’s left
In solitude I’ve cried myself to sleep
Just reaching and searching…
For a better form of self

Over You, Under You (Part 1 - Just barely...)

I can’t get over you
When I’m under you
When you’re straddling and your pelvis clinched
Holding on for dear life…
Clawing skin just to usher along the release
Your moan bounces off of the walls and surrounds us
All the motivation I need to give you more of what you’re craving for…
I think to myself, “say my name”
And almost as if we’re one… You speak it
You remind me of who I am, and that you’re mine
Just the sound of those words alone
Give me life…
Every coo… I ease in deeper to feel all of you

...love?

Right now I don’t know how I was loving without your touch
Couldn’t have been because I’ve never felt such a rush
Like the kind I feel with you…
For you…
You feed my appetite & quench my senses
Smiling is a natural reflex
Whenever your voice reaches my eardrums

When Was The Last Time...

When was the last time I moved you?
The last time I touched your heart & made you feel me?
The last time I tasted you and you melted in my mouth?
The last time I cried out for you… Just to come closer?
When was the last time I fell asleep in your arms?
The last time you danced between my fingers with my hands between your thighs?
I wonder…
If you think about these times
If you look at me and say “wow, she’s all mine”
And yet I ask… When was the last time you said I love you without it following a request or pleasure?

The Fear

If I can’t help put you back together again
I fear who can
I fear that I’ll lose you in them
I fear that what we have, could be lost in that one second…


Wait!


I fear?


And I woke up from dreaming
Analyzing my thoughts…
Realizing that how can I love you in fear?
How can I be with you fearing that I’d lose you, if I make one wrong move?
Say one wrong thing?


How can I love you like this?
Then I took a look at myself…
I’ve been loving you wrong
Secretly indulging in the idea of losing a battle that isn’t even in session…
How can I lose you if I never took a real risk to have you?


I want you
To have you, fearlessly…
I want you…
I love you…fearlessly…


I can’t dream of a love lost
When I haven’t accepted that I’ve already won

Stuck On Repeat

Stuck on repeat
Can’t hear myself think
Trying to drown out the sound…
The sound of you leaving me alone…
I have to camouflage my feelings to keep from crying…
I just want to get back where we were
I’m not sure where it went wrong or when we took a wrong turn
I can’t undo anything but why can’t my apology penetrate the bottom of your heart
Put the pieces back together again
Maybe you don’t really want it but can’t leave…
Maybe you love me but you feel like it’s too little too late…
I didn’t see this coming…
Now I don’t know what to do…
Can’t take these tracks off of repeat
They are the only thing keeping me
From crying myself to sleep

Fighting Words

Mean the words you say
Say the words you mean
In and out of conversations
As we skate around our truths
Backed into corners we find ourselves
Fighting with the strongest weapon known to man
Not our hands but our words
The mightiest swords
Our words…
We taunt one another and it goes back and forth
We linger on each others words until we’re drenched in tears…
My fears succumb me and swallow me whole as I’m in the corner trying to redeem my soul…
Playing with fire and getting singed by the flame
Round for round we go
Until the knock out
But who wins, when we both feel broken inside?
We both tap out simultaneously
And make wishes on the perfect alignment of time that words said could be unsaid
Even after the fight is over
Words on top of words replay in our minds
We try to bury it without effort
And everytime the blows become much harder and the aftershock much greater…
Until we realize we are fighting ourselves away from each other
Creating a distance that doesn’t belong
We look at ourselves
And for the first time…
What we’d been fighting over wasn’t worth the fight at all
So we come together

Our Youth

Some days I miss our youth
Those moments when we wrote letters
Sung one another our favorite songs
And danced like no one was watching
The days when we were young and seemingly carefree
Our worries then, are mere dreams of what we wish we were still worried about
I miss our youth but our present is something to awe at
You’ve opened my eyes to progression
The picture is underneath a better magnifying glass & I can see us…
I’m glad we are here but I do miss those years