Lost Girl

What if I....?

Up and lost you

Lost everything dealing with

Tossed you to the side like an old pair of shoes

Like an unwanted stem from a dead rose

What if I....?

Did everything but

Try to keep you

What if I....?

Let you slip

Let you fall

What if I....?

Gave up on you

Forgot your name

Dropped you like a pen

And never picked you up again

Walked away, never to return

What if I....?

Became you

Lost myself in my THINGS

Measured my happiness by the weight of my pockets

Measured my friends by the accessibility to night clubs

Measured my love by what LOOKED good, rather than the feeling

What if I....?

Lost myself like you

Can you remember you?

Can you decipher real between counterfeit?

You're continuously caught up

In the happenings of the world

But what about you?

Who are you?

Where are you?

Trying to keep up with the latest

Yet your soul needs to be renewed

What you value becomes old by nightfall

So daily you're chasing the next NEW

When will you stop

And return to you?

Have you lost... all of YOU?

19 & still harboring a mind of a child

Dancing to reep a harvest

And even putting-out to pay the rent

But what happened?

Your ambition turned from tangible to mere fiction

Somewhere along the lines

You got lost

Smeared your name on a piece of paper

And forgot it

Forgot your own name...

How could you forget something you were born with?

What if I....?

Became you

Would you see YOU

Would it be like looking in the mirror?

Would it help if we all threw up our mirrors

Made you face the world you've created

Realize you've lost yourself?

Would it help?

I hope one day

You see you

Before its too late

Before who you are becomes who you will always be

And the life you created starts to backfire on you

Until then

I hope this finds you...

Wake up...YOU...

Wake Up

You can only be as captivating as you feel 

Lately I've been my own escape 

Wrapped up in my own head

Forgetting about what I want to give to the Universe

And to receive in return

Lately I've been searching

For a new fix

To revitalize my urges

Get me back to my center

Awaken the artistry I let sleep for months

I let her rest for awhile

Now it's time to wake her up

Shout out & call her to position 

Front & Center... 

"Wake up... No more time for dreaming..."

Stand to your feet, return to position

React & act out what you've been believing

To Be An Artist Means...

To be an artist means...

That maybe you dance to a different tune 

You see experiences as muses

You live life through your own creations 

You transpose your thoughts into things that move & change others

To be an artist 

May cause you to retreat 

Ignore the outside world 

Live in the love you have or the lack there of and create there

To be an artist makes...

You a different breed

Super human

You're able to tap into brain cells others dare not ever reach 

People spend entire lifetimes 

Trying to understand you

But never will...

They can't understand 

What they can not be

They'll fear you

Envy you 

Admire you 

Hate you

Love you 

And lust you all the same

While wishing they were you

You, artist... 

You are a different breed

Be proud to have a gift or gifts

That cause you to stand out 

You were not intended to fit in

Don't try to, you never will

Stand out. Stand tall & create...

For without you, minds like yours...

The world would be dull and uniform 

A bunch of carbon copied individuals with no thoughts of their own

Be the artist you are until your last breath

Create the legacy you'll leave behind

Good Morning

Eyes open & ready to receive...

Glance over 

And there you are 

The lover of my dreams

Dreaming next to me...

To think

It took tests, trials and the exposure of dirty secrets 

To bring us back

Not back to love

We never lost that

Back to us

Back to loving one another without hesitation 

Without resisting what's natural and comes so easily...

My entire being is pleased 

To have you... 

I'll never let you slip away again...

Good Morning my love... 

I Can't Sleep

And I lay awake 

Day dreaming 

Only the day is night

And the world is still

But my eyes won't seem to close

My thoughts running wild

Letting you loose in my mind

As we wander together, carelessly 

Continuously...

You are

Stealing my breath from me 

Making my laughter echo 

And I smile unconsciously 

Thinking about you

Masks (Part 1) -- from early May '13

There comes a point

When you stop believing

In others

Who they claim to be

Who they present

And even who they attempt

And you realize

That so many are playing roles

Hiding behind masks

To cover up feelings

This mask 

To avoid getting hurt

And this mask 

To run away from the truth 

So many are putting on so many shows

Everyone's a jester 

And no one has a soul

I've divorced my desires to know 

The depths of others without their respect

If I can't know you without being fed lies

Then I guess we will never meet

I won't be a hypocrite

And judge

I once lied...

But I grew to know 

Lies just make you cold

I realized that if I wanted to be known

The truth, had to be 

Twist

***Before you start reading, I must say... This poem deals with a bunch of different things, situations and very bad experiences. It's rolled into one, appearing to be about a person but instead it's not at all. It's really about being someone's plaything but only for a moment. (I just had to write that for some reason)***

I'm beginning to feel
As though
you can't see me
Unless there is liquor in your glass
Or an herb in your lungs
I don't exist
Your touch doesn't come without
An intoxicated fume
Our eyes don't meet without it

Slowly but surely
I'm becoming the void of existence
In your eyes
I'm your definition
Less of something
More of something else
I'm disowned
Right up until
You fill that cup
That burn right before the buzz

That's when you remember me
When sobriety is but a dream
Days lengthen with help from spirits
And I become apart of your vision
I've been your plaything
Your 3hr swing
Dirty dancing in the night
Kissing in bathrooms
Being belittled in your backseat

You remember me
As soon as your eyes become inflamed
Your breath's aroma smells of liquor and mint
I become not only someone you desire
But someone you can dangle "I love you" around
Until you reach your climax, that is
Following that, I resume my place
Invisible to you
Or an absolute annoyance

It all depends on which zodiac
Is up for discussion
When it comes to how I'm envisioned
Once soberness returns
I'm nothing but a blurred vision
Almost nonexistent

I wonder how many times
I've encountered
Your same kind
In different clothes
With different skin
But dancing to the same tune
Dangling those words with no promise of truth

Fright

It's frightening
How someone could make you feel
Empty with just a few words
A blank stare
A cold response
And there goes your energy
Seeping out from limbs
Onto the floor
Escaping you like blood
Just because your heart was invested
Hanging on to every word
In hopes of progress
When all you receive is
One step forward
And three steps backward
Continuously feeling knocked down
Unloved
Hoping that one day
They'll seek to understand you
Find you crying alone
And wipe your tears
Mend their wrong doings
Speak to you
Instead of over you
It's frightening at the idea
That what does not kill you
Can emotionally destroy you
If no one ever tries to fix you
We are under false pretenses
That love is unneeded
That we need to rely on no one
Because permanent isolation drives us insane
Causes us to self destruct
We need one another
But it's frightening
Love makes us do crazy things
But it would be crazy of us to think
Without love, that we can just "be"
We attempt at fooling ourselves
Try to substitute "like" for love
Try to turn sex into "making love"
And yet still
Our hands are empty
And we envy those
Who have found their niche
Found love that won't forsake
Love that stands by them & will die by their side
We envy and yet we want just that
And yet it's frightening
That I could
Fall to pieces when you hurt me
It scares me that I feel this way
Something I could once hide
It's bad that I'm attempting now
To cover the bruises, discard of the pain
And forth the illusion
That everyone else believes
Forgive me if I fall weak
But I'm only human
And I can admit to being frightened that I could love so deeply
That I hang on to every word
Made fragile by the idea
Even the words that are regretted,
I hang on...
They hit me that deep


This is not quite a poem and not quite not a poem, if that makes any sense. I just needed to release something that I'd once written one way and came back to the idea and wrote another way.

Inspired by life & 2 songs (Hanging On Too Long by Duffy & Tonight by Lykke Li)

Short...

Writing all over
To fill the void
To hush the noise
Roaring thoughts
On a mission
To triumph
Over fears
And to put
My emotions
At the forefront

Rats, Bottom Feeders

I just want you to dance for me
Take off your clothes
Let down your hair
And put on those shoes
The heels I bought over there
Show me what my hundreds were worth
Let me use you like you used me
Play with your head a little
And make you beg
Be the bastard you claim me to be
Make you beg for sex
And never get any because I don't want you
I just want to make you suffer
Forgive me if I'm wrong
Understand it's not you right now and it is me
I claim that, call me a bitch
And put on that lipstick
Go insane to the beat
And dance like you want something...
Earn the money you got out of me
Frivolous expenditures on a whore
I'm sorry, you prefer "lady of the evening"
Dance for me and let me be the asshole you intended
I'll tell you lies just to make you smile
Hope you realize I don't hate you
But what you deserve is a wake up call
And I have a song ready for you
So when you're ready
Come to me
I'll throw pennies on the floor
Give you a dollar for the bus
Yeah, I have you covered
Leave the shit I bought
Over there, right fucking there
Pick your face up off of the floor
And walk away...
I'm done now.
Thank you for your time. :)

Dancing, On the Line

I remember our first time
How good it felt to be in your arms
You were in the wrong place
But I just had to know
One last time if you were really here for me
You said all of the right things
Touched my body like you already knew what it took to give it to me
I just wanted all of you
Promises you made, as if you'd planned on keeping
You even fixed your lips to say "love"
And infatuated I became
I didn't believe you
I never believe anyone
I tried to be what you wanted
How you wanted
Moved like you wanted
And still it wasn't enough to keep you
I've constantly found myself
In this position
Dancing on a line between the truth and a lie
Hoping I'd find a true love
Or at least the truth
Yet still I'm dancing
Hoping to find what's real
Now that everything has fallen to pieces
I want to see what manifests from the shattered glass
There is no resolve
And I am in the process of "to be continued"...

The Madness

A room of silence
Nothing but a sheet to keep warm
Cradling one another
Trying to make good out of something so wrong
How long can this go on
Help isn't far away
Your pride keeps your lips frozen
Everyone has disowned you
But her
She stayed by you
But how could you
How could you do this to her
You're so wounded that you can not see
Have you forgotten that you live within her
She is your home?
Once you betrayed her trust
Even you
Became lost in your own eyes
Staring back at a shell of yourself
Lost in sleepless nights & drenched in shame
Hiding scars & trying to laugh to hide your pain
Dying inside
Scraping out old wounds to draw attention away from fresh bruises
You mutilated yourself with one wrong move
And a plethora of misused words
Lies to cover lies
Throwing back spirits to hide your dismay
Laughing on cue as if you had everyone fooled
Yet it showed
Your secrets were transparent
Dangling on you like a tail
You're trying to hide something you've attached to your spine
The monster you created
Was riding you like the fool you are

Bábá Deux

I forgive you
A thousand times I forgive you
Never will you ask but I bow out
Harbor no more anger towards you
Hurt caused by you
Will no longer haunt me
I forgive you
I usher in peace
I pray you serenity, stability & wellness
I don't need you
I need me
To have me
I must let your mistakes go
I forgive you
A thousand times I forgive you
Never will you ask but I bow out
I can not change you
So I must change me
Receive healing & let you be
Bábá you missed out
You could have known me
I forgive you
But I no longer need or want you
I pray you good health & long life
Bábá I forgive you...
So that I might forgive me
It started with you
But it will end with me
I forgive you...

Without Warning

Quick! Save yourself
Somebody should've yelled out a warning
Trouble ahead
And I knew not
How to confront the storm
Thousands spent to appease one
Succumbing to overnight depression
Riding on waves of highs & lows of bruised egos, broken hearts, lies, empty rooms and displacement
Somebody should have said
Wake up now
This dream will shatter before it flourishes
Like a broken mirror
This vision is a facade
Search deeper
Within yourself
Look around
The truth was evident, if only there was a warning
Errors detouring to the right
Buckle your seatbelt
And carry on
Forget what you knew
You know nothing now
Someone should have came running with a stop sign
Paused the conversation
And asked for the proper registration
Maybe in lieu of getting a ticket
The road traveled would have
Altered itself

Step Out

You are not who you claim to be
You're afraid if they see you
They won't love you
Uncertain & worried about everything
Even your bones grow weary
Of your heavy mind
Overcome with so much hurt
When will you release what's holding you captive?
You want to unleash what's happened
What has you this way
But you think there eyes will change
Their adornment will fade
Once you step onto the platform
Don't be afraid
Undress yourself & remove the intangible bags you carry
The ones that keep your shoulders feeling so heavy
Weighed down by the stress of your worst enemy
Face yourself

Air • Earth • Air

3
No one knew the dynamic
The strength of our elements
The power behind our voices
Talents combined
The perfect trinity

The only group that handled every storm together
With you I felt at peace
Every movement understood
The questioning of my being never came up in conversation

Acceptance was our language
Daily did we speak through rhyme
I can recall our many meals lost
All the while reciting what we felt inside
Singing, laughing and leaning on one another
We'd created a family, that we were sure to survive anything

Every tear we shed, was together
Bonded together
I never thought our tightly woven thread would unwind
When it did
It came suddenly

We broke without warning
Turned against each other
And what we'd built was put to shame
I still remember our favorite songs
Our last talks
Our sessions...
Moments when she'd play & I'd sing
Moments when every poem of yours I could feel

Your words
Dancing in my head & landing on my skin
I loved us...
The nature of us
I remember us...
Do you?

Kanti's Goodbye Letter • For You

I release you now
Back into the wild you go
With all of the animals you've come to know
And the spirits you've enchanted
I've discarded your collar
And no longer must you grovel
Your freedom is your own
You are not wanted
Turn away from me
And return no more
I left you because you were no good for my soul
Don't call out for me
I will not respond
I have changed my name
So that I can not be reached
You don't know me
And you're unfamiliar to me
Let this be the closure you needed to be free
I leave you now
In the midst of Spring
Return no more to me
Sincerely yours,
Kanti

Phoenix

From the ashes my old ways will die
And as I rise anew
So shall the newness of me transpire Renewed & refreshed
A butterfly from her cocoon
Caterpillar no more
Searching for food
To sustain my being
I am coming into
The promise I made
To love me & alter what I deem flawed
Sculpting my very essence
Bettering me
So that I might be my best
With every step that I take
Breath that I breathe
Phenomenally reaching
Tapping into my inner self
Unleashing the core
And loving...
Loving...
Loving, me

Some words...

Awake
With only
My heartbeat to entertain me
I toy with ideas
Bombarding my mind
Losing time
Waiting for something
I don't know what
I'm just waiting
Words exploding & dancing in my thoughts
I'm longing to be
Back at peace

Bábá

Some things have inspired a retelling of stories, I don't know if I'd claim this to be a poem, no rhyme or rhythm just emotion. We'll claim it to be storytelling for the moment.

It is almost like yesterday
I was laughing with you
We never speak these days
You refused to grow with me
Intertwined your wicked ways with hate
And now I don't even know you

Even when I look back at pictures of you
I thought I'd always have you
You may have been a figment of my imagination
But I believed in you
She even saw you for you
But what should have been enough
Never was
No one can blame me, for not believing love is true
With the impact of someone like you

You're the bull that fed lies repeatedly
You aren't even aware of the damage you have done
Your new life has you too consumed To see the damage done

Now that I'm older
I have to let you go
Your resounding words of me never succeeding
Your disbelief in my talents
In my own best interest
I'll remember and speak of you
Now
As if you never did the damage you did
Keep that image of you, singing lullabies & teaching me how to be creative

The Awakening (incomplete)

Your beats...the box that vibrates as you speak
Reminds me of...
Crumpled sheets leaving imprints onto skin
Soft gusts of warm air brushing against fine hairs...
Leaving chills...
Killing the loss of feeling btwn thighs
An awakening touch of repetitive motion
An over-time of thrusts searching for perfection as two worlds combine...
Your beats...the box that vibrates as you speak
Reminds me of...
Drenched skin
A type of humidity too hard to breathe...
That sometimes needs to be released momentarily during that time of ease...
Kisses that seem to have endless power over mind, body and soul...

[Incomplete - Work In Progress]

Coy (old stuff)

Everyone wants to jump on your "dick"
And I'm supposed to feel priveledged because I've had the opportunity?
I have been here before
Your "popularity"
And will be here after "reality" settles in
When your "dick" is just like everyone elses to your groupies
Because they'll never see in you
What I have seen for so long
They'll never care for you
Like I have...
All they see is an instrument of momentary enjoyment
Once the fun becomes repetitive, the speed slows down
The cum runs thin...and she's harder to please
She'll throw you away without a second thought
And I'll help dust you off
For the next campaign of "the greatness that I am"
Just for you to sweep me back underneath your rug when another fun "ride" catches your eye...
Just for you to shoot me with your words attempting to create non-existent boundaries to shield your heart from the inevitable...

Success '09

Our lowest moments are amplified
And highlighted
Our moments of achievements they do nothing
But find reasons as to why they are undeserving
The pressure to succeed is a consistent battle
Freedom has yet to ring
The shackles may have been physically removed
But the chains on our brains are still here...

Why must we be lowered?
And degraded?
To receive the highest acceptance of achievement

Tempest

I search within myself
For an explanation
How could this happen?
I had plans

I let one distraction
Alter my dreams
You came in
Disguised like all the others

Dressed in red
My rose colored glasses saw green
I took one step
And before I knew it
I'd stepped into darkness

Sipped down spirits
Trying to disappear from my discomfort
Lost my balance
And I fell

The room grew still
Darkness hovered over me
I stayed in a clouded state
It was then when your horns appeared
I couldn't speak

My voice muted and I saw you
Laughing
Crying inside while I felt
my body break

It wasn't until
I submerged in water
The cloud left me
The daze raised
And I felt the pain
That I realized that I was broken
Not only on my body
But my spirit

I wept alone
Forever have I been scarred
Never to fully heal
I'll always be reminded
Of that night I let you in

Immaturity (a simple mind)

Lusting
Loving
Acting
Reacting
I want you
I hate you
I love you
Don't stop
I need you
Call out for me
Remind me
What happened?
I thought you...
You knew me
I knew you
We had this
We had us
I want you
I need you
Stop lying
Tell me why
I called you
Called out for you
You never came
I cried for you
Said I'd die for you
You walked away
Ran fast
Disappeared on me
Now you want in
I'm seeing it now
Your side
This was me
Doing this to you
And I lost it
I lost it
I lost it
Then
I lost you

Self, Where are you?

I wish that I could
Knock on the corridors of my own mind
Travel backwards & stand in front of my former self
Self, why are you here?
Jaded in every way imaginable
You knew you, before they did
Before you slipped and let them in
Before you gave away pieces of you
Traces that you can't get back
Moments that you should have never known
You lost you, when you questioned you
You got lost when you, for a second believed that you were unworthy
I want to stand in front of you
And say "you are worthy"
Remind you that what seems "too good to be true" is for you, own it before it disowns you
I wish you knew who you could become
Only if, you knew you before you let the wrong ones come, give them pleasure
Feed their egos
Let them use you for whatever you did best, in their eyes
And when they were done
Each time, you became less of you
Uncertain of your worth, character & talent
You, lost you... Don't lose you, you have you...
Instead I can't speak to you
That you, that is me
That demonstrated self mutilation of an emotional kind
It's me who failed me
I can't blame skeletons for their mistakes
I didn't have to let them in
I can't speak to the former me
But the present me, the you, that is me
I see you again... Unused & rare
I see you
I found me, buried in ruins if a broken soul, laughing to hide tears...
I missed you
I missed ME

Gray Matter

Hanging on to your touch
By the strands you have me
Adorning your scent
Listening as the sound
Your sound
Bounces off walls & releases me
I can't wait to bury you in my arms
Close my eyes & fall in...
Lost in your shades of gray

The Secret (circa 2008)

Empty space
Blank page
Not a doubt in my mind that
I still have feelings for you
My lies camoflouge my truths
And I speak them to you
Hoping that you'd follow
Untangle my knots
And straighten lines
Yet you're too blind to see
And I'm too stubborn to take that risk of vulnerability
Something about not knowing if mutuality exists
Puts my heart into remission
And I fill that space in which I've held you close for so long...
With errands to run
Books to read...
And an endless cycle of distancing my feelings from my thought process
Until I cannot feel at all
That is...
Until your voice resounds
I see your smile
Feel the warmth of your skin...
Blood begins to flow...

I Want You (Can I Have You?)

I have everything to say
And nothing to say all at once
My lips are moving
Forming subjects that have no significance...
Yet on I speak while my mind drifts
If only I could say what's really on my mind...
These thoughts and feelings are bursting to come out
I just can't seem to find peace in their release.

The Promise (circa 2008)

You don't have to ask
You can have...
Take...
What you please
As long as you desire me for me...
I'll be an open book for you and only you
Yes I'm making an effort to act brand new
Embrace me baby
The loving in need is long over due...
I'm willing to change and grow with you
As long as you understand to love me takes time...
Be patient with me and we can learn how to please one another effectively in ways that no skeleton can emulate
I'll keep it interesting...introduce new things that we can share with one another