Twist

***Before you start reading, I must say... This poem deals with a bunch of different things, situations and very bad experiences. It's rolled into one, appearing to be about a person but instead it's not at all. It's really about being someone's plaything but only for a moment. (I just had to write that for some reason)***

I'm beginning to feel
As though
you can't see me
Unless there is liquor in your glass
Or an herb in your lungs
I don't exist
Your touch doesn't come without
An intoxicated fume
Our eyes don't meet without it

Slowly but surely
I'm becoming the void of existence
In your eyes
I'm your definition
Less of something
More of something else
I'm disowned
Right up until
You fill that cup
That burn right before the buzz

That's when you remember me
When sobriety is but a dream
Days lengthen with help from spirits
And I become apart of your vision
I've been your plaything
Your 3hr swing
Dirty dancing in the night
Kissing in bathrooms
Being belittled in your backseat

You remember me
As soon as your eyes become inflamed
Your breath's aroma smells of liquor and mint
I become not only someone you desire
But someone you can dangle "I love you" around
Until you reach your climax, that is
Following that, I resume my place
Invisible to you
Or an absolute annoyance

It all depends on which zodiac
Is up for discussion
When it comes to how I'm envisioned
Once soberness returns
I'm nothing but a blurred vision
Almost nonexistent

I wonder how many times
I've encountered
Your same kind
In different clothes
With different skin
But dancing to the same tune
Dangling those words with no promise of truth

Fright

It's frightening
How someone could make you feel
Empty with just a few words
A blank stare
A cold response
And there goes your energy
Seeping out from limbs
Onto the floor
Escaping you like blood
Just because your heart was invested
Hanging on to every word
In hopes of progress
When all you receive is
One step forward
And three steps backward
Continuously feeling knocked down
Unloved
Hoping that one day
They'll seek to understand you
Find you crying alone
And wipe your tears
Mend their wrong doings
Speak to you
Instead of over you
It's frightening at the idea
That what does not kill you
Can emotionally destroy you
If no one ever tries to fix you
We are under false pretenses
That love is unneeded
That we need to rely on no one
Because permanent isolation drives us insane
Causes us to self destruct
We need one another
But it's frightening
Love makes us do crazy things
But it would be crazy of us to think
Without love, that we can just "be"
We attempt at fooling ourselves
Try to substitute "like" for love
Try to turn sex into "making love"
And yet still
Our hands are empty
And we envy those
Who have found their niche
Found love that won't forsake
Love that stands by them & will die by their side
We envy and yet we want just that
And yet it's frightening
That I could
Fall to pieces when you hurt me
It scares me that I feel this way
Something I could once hide
It's bad that I'm attempting now
To cover the bruises, discard of the pain
And forth the illusion
That everyone else believes
Forgive me if I fall weak
But I'm only human
And I can admit to being frightened that I could love so deeply
That I hang on to every word
Made fragile by the idea
Even the words that are regretted,
I hang on...
They hit me that deep


This is not quite a poem and not quite not a poem, if that makes any sense. I just needed to release something that I'd once written one way and came back to the idea and wrote another way.

Inspired by life & 2 songs (Hanging On Too Long by Duffy & Tonight by Lykke Li)

Short...

Writing all over
To fill the void
To hush the noise
Roaring thoughts
On a mission
To triumph
Over fears
And to put
My emotions
At the forefront

Rats, Bottom Feeders

I just want you to dance for me
Take off your clothes
Let down your hair
And put on those shoes
The heels I bought over there
Show me what my hundreds were worth
Let me use you like you used me
Play with your head a little
And make you beg
Be the bastard you claim me to be
Make you beg for sex
And never get any because I don't want you
I just want to make you suffer
Forgive me if I'm wrong
Understand it's not you right now and it is me
I claim that, call me a bitch
And put on that lipstick
Go insane to the beat
And dance like you want something...
Earn the money you got out of me
Frivolous expenditures on a whore
I'm sorry, you prefer "lady of the evening"
Dance for me and let me be the asshole you intended
I'll tell you lies just to make you smile
Hope you realize I don't hate you
But what you deserve is a wake up call
And I have a song ready for you
So when you're ready
Come to me
I'll throw pennies on the floor
Give you a dollar for the bus
Yeah, I have you covered
Leave the shit I bought
Over there, right fucking there
Pick your face up off of the floor
And walk away...
I'm done now.
Thank you for your time. :)

Dancing, On the Line

I remember our first time
How good it felt to be in your arms
You were in the wrong place
But I just had to know
One last time if you were really here for me
You said all of the right things
Touched my body like you already knew what it took to give it to me
I just wanted all of you
Promises you made, as if you'd planned on keeping
You even fixed your lips to say "love"
And infatuated I became
I didn't believe you
I never believe anyone
I tried to be what you wanted
How you wanted
Moved like you wanted
And still it wasn't enough to keep you
I've constantly found myself
In this position
Dancing on a line between the truth and a lie
Hoping I'd find a true love
Or at least the truth
Yet still I'm dancing
Hoping to find what's real
Now that everything has fallen to pieces
I want to see what manifests from the shattered glass
There is no resolve
And I am in the process of "to be continued"...

The Madness

A room of silence
Nothing but a sheet to keep warm
Cradling one another
Trying to make good out of something so wrong
How long can this go on
Help isn't far away
Your pride keeps your lips frozen
Everyone has disowned you
But her
She stayed by you
But how could you
How could you do this to her
You're so wounded that you can not see
Have you forgotten that you live within her
She is your home?
Once you betrayed her trust
Even you
Became lost in your own eyes
Staring back at a shell of yourself
Lost in sleepless nights & drenched in shame
Hiding scars & trying to laugh to hide your pain
Dying inside
Scraping out old wounds to draw attention away from fresh bruises
You mutilated yourself with one wrong move
And a plethora of misused words
Lies to cover lies
Throwing back spirits to hide your dismay
Laughing on cue as if you had everyone fooled
Yet it showed
Your secrets were transparent
Dangling on you like a tail
You're trying to hide something you've attached to your spine
The monster you created
Was riding you like the fool you are