"I'm in love and always will be" (unfinished)

I won't say that this is a poem, but a message. I can't sleep and this has been swirling around in my head. It's like a conversation that has never been spoken or partaken of by me. Tell me, what is this?:


I believe in love
I believe in like
I believe in butterflies
I'm conflicted inside because these are the things I believe is real
I've chosen to change my life
But others...
Others have lives of their own
How do you save someone from themselves if they are happy, in love, healthy & successful?
How do you save someone who, by definition, doesn't need to be saved?
Exactly why are there so many guidelines to obtaining happiness?
People can't BE, because others are watching, judging and plotting against...
People can't just BE, because they feel condemned...
I don't know how to not be happy for others
I don't know how to be happy for those who have found what completes them and they aren't just content but happy
Who am I to steal their joy?
I believe in love
I believe in like
I believe in butterflies
I don't know anyone anymore who tears up at that pivotal scene in the movie
That scene in which the ending is clear, after the turmoil, happiness lives freely
I feel like I'm the last one
The last person that believes
That far beyond the rules and mandates
That love itself, is true
You'll know it when it arrives & never ceases to part
I believe in love
I believe in like
I believe in butterflies
I hope to see the day when our blinders are removed
We can all love one another, not for what we are trying to be
But for who and what we are...

Miss

Missing the power of the pen...
Gracing pages of thoughts within...
No longer chasing lost hopes and faded dreams...
Finally looking forward to tomorrow in today's rearview mirror...
Letting it all fade away...
Misery, pain, confusion and the infinitive of destruction within...just to feel to
entirety what you may offer
be it a pleasurable few hours or a collection of good conversations
that linger even after their finished...
Slowly navigating through the wounds that left me hollow and sealing them shut
No longer waiting for apologies that will never come
Nor the audacious apoligies that I have yet to speak
There is no better time but now
I'm freeing myself of all of it...

Taking this journey to see whats on the other side...
Even if this journey leads to no where
The efforts of achieving wholeness will not be lost in vain...
Because I'll always have me and my pen...
And the desire to live another day...
Missing the power of words unspoken...
Stories told by eye contact manipulating iris's
While hearts unfold
Unvieling mysteries of the unknown...

Disconnected

Closing up again
Stepping away from the world surrounding me
Steering with no guidance
Self is all I have
Getting lost on purpose just
To find myself
To find my way out
I’ve been in need of some cleansing
Therapy
That I can supply myself
Full recovery
Damaged by my calamities…
Cleansing will set me free
Ears closed
Lips sealed
To open my eyes to what my heart seeks
Desires, passions, and loves surface
In this in depth rediscovery
Freeing my mind in privacy
Bleeding tears in demand of clarity
Feet planted on the floor
To keep my balance
Inhale and exhale out screams…
Releasing negative energy…

Earth Sign

Dressed in your finest
One night only, is all we had
I had one night to make it right
You walked calmly to my room
Knowing it would just be me and you
In the darkness we spoke
We played with the idea of anticipations but all I wanted was a kiss
Your scent kept me afloat
And as I glared out of the window at the city lights, thought about you staying the night
I figured we'd fall asleep talking about any thoughts that came to mind
You hinted that you wanted more
So I replied with words
I asked, like a lady, for a kiss
Then we kissed
For a moment I thought I had you
I thought you were mine
It was so electric that all I could do was smile once it was over

Still

I've lost time gazing at you
In your direction to be precise
Rearranging time and dates
As I look at you
Wondering who and how we will be
Years from now
Grown passed these things that have kept us bound
I stare at you wondering where your head is
Some days we are estranged, other days we are conjoined twins
I know of no time when I haven't thought of you

It's when I stop for a second to exhale & inhale again
That I realize I'm not looking in your direction at all
Its the portrait across the room
I'd been admiring all this time
Staring at this photograph
I'm glad you're still around, even if I can't see you
You're still here, like you've always been

Private Addiction

Private addiction
Silently we speak
Intoxicating one another with mental stimulation...
Continuously challenging ourselves for better understanding...
Connected we are through familiar and shared obsessions...
Speech alone alters moods and changes positions...
Words highlight the depths of our excitement...
One line of your cognitive thinking is mind blowing...
Sending pulsating streams of blood to the source of my being...
Intellect is the highest form of sexual tease in this infinite foreplay we've simulated to please our desire to be quenched by intercourse without measure...
This ongoing pressure...
Forwards...
Backwards...
And in between...
I hope the cycle is never broken...
And progresses as we grow...
Learning more about ourselves in and throughout this equation...
Unhindered and Unrehearsed...
Continuously I'm thanking you in appreciation for your presence...

...

Sometimes I don't know what you are to me
Other times I don't know who you are
Regardless...
The mystery entices...
I must say, I like it that you are complex, rough around the edges, but sweet to the core...
The heart of the matter is...
I do like it when you call...
You're that addiction that I can't get enough of...
Human ritalin
Sedating my mind...
Allowing me to always unwind...
and uncloud my vision...
I don't even mind laughing with you about things that make no sense at all...
I guess I like being pistoled with sometimes
Knowing I don't have to sign a dotted line
To have a piece...
Sometimes I hate that you're my release...
Can't always get enough to get me "up"
Feel me?
I know you do...
I always have a spot for you
in the depths of my heart
and it overcomes me sometimes...
Music even seems hard to listen to...
But thats what you do...
They say you can't choose...
Even if I could, I'd probably still choose you...
It's been painful and pleasurable just knowing the depths of you...

I Bought Something For You

Bought something for you
Bought something that would help you and I better understand you
Bought something that could help you think your thoughts through thoroughly before you present them to me
In hopes of eliminating a contradicting remedy to blur the lines between lies and truths
Bought something for you so that you can pencil in the times of convenience when you can love me for me because I know you have a habit of forgetting
I was thinking that maybe if it were written down...both you and I could remember...and never forget
Bought something for you so that you can find comfort in knowing that I care about you even when you fail to care about me
Yes...unconditional...some might call it...

Bought something for you
Bought something for you that would help both you and I better understand you
Bought something for you that can make up for the things that you say that I lack...
Yeah... I thought you'd appreciate that...
Bought something for you that protects you from the pain you inflict on yourself for when my voice is muted and my aid is effortless
(Work In Progress)

Communication

The less I speak
The more you listen
Body rhythms are now taken into consideration
The question of moods are no longer up for debate
I've become a book for you to unfold
Turn pages...take notes
The connection of eyes allows you to see inside and translate what
the language inscribed into my heart...

This is called communication...so I've been told.

Trigger

Just a few thoughts shooting out from my mental trigger, will you bite this bullet?
Or will I have to shoot you down with my tongue...
And seep into your blood slowly....
Forcing myself in to expose you...
Release my fluids to make you overflow and spill onto the pavement...

Just a few thoughts shooting out from my mental trigger, will you bite this bullet?
I want to transpose you
Show you the other side of yourself